05 Mar My Unintended Clearing of my Maternal Ancestral Lineage
Woke up in the middle of the night sitting up razor straight…
I could feel the roll of emotion coming…
this unnamed, but yet wanting to be identified feeling
and some where, I knew it felt like dread.
I could feel it coming a complete meltdown a sobbing jag…
so deep and felt so old and maybe finally seeing this is repeated pattern inside of me…
The sobbing became clear meaning…about what I was feeling…neglected, rejected and unappreciated…
As I reviewed the previous day, I saw the event that triggered this. The event was almost innocuous a family incident that happens daily, but somewhere deep inside of me I felt taken advantage of and used…really.
This is an ongoing pattern in this family dynamic, The push and pull of emotion and continual conversations to get our versions of events across to the other person.
As I went to sleep, I felt hurt and beaten up a bit. I made a general request out loud to source/god/guides/angels…
I asked for support and to break my ties to this feeling, this hurt and disappointment still swirling inside me.
I did fall into a deep sleep, but all of these feelings came back up in the middle of the night, this deep feeling of heartbreak followed by deep jags of sobbing…
The thoughts that attached to the feelings, were all the events, support and connection I did not receive from my mother (interesting how it was the same feelings that came up during the day…neglect, unappreciated and rejection)
And somewhere inside, I mean deep inside I KNEW it , this pain this emotional upheaval was generational. Some thing or behavior my grandmother did to my mother and my grandmother’s mother did to her and backward for generations of women in my family. It was this clear know that this is what I was breaking and resolving for so many women in my family…
As I came to this realization, and many small ones that followed, I knew it was time, time to release this… time to face this and not have it be this swirl of underlying dark “feelings” living just under the surface of my life and reactions to my life.
I got up, out of bed and began journaling about the series of realizations I was in the middle of and a question popped into my head
“If there was only one person who… appreciated, acknowledged and didn’t take you for granted, would that be enough? Would that heal the underlying feelings I had labeled as darkness?
I immediately came to my answer “my God, my source, my connection” I began sobbing again, but this time it felt like a clearing out and a cleansing… a…RELEASE.
The next thought was… “you mean it was that simple? Right in front of me this entire time? And a calm washed over me…
As I sat in the quiet of the night, with my journal in my lap,
grieving the relationships of the women in my lineage,
releasing the pain of my current life,
understanding the connection of all women through their connection with their mothers.
Through time, generations and millions of women before me, who held the grief of and labor of meeting themselves and their relationships in their lives.
And fully loving and embracing that they are, we are already “accepted, acknowledged, and connected” and yes it really IS that simple when we stop and diffuse the cloud of thoughts…thoughts often accompanied with deep feelings and we realize we are already CLEAR…RELEASED and WHOLE.
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